Memories,
cannot access many –
blurry,
scary,
unwelcomed
they are.
Better to keep locked deep –
for now.
The time may come
to visit certain memories,
one by one,
soft and slow,
well resourced,
strongly grounded,
begin to see
the memories differently,
to heal the broken Heart,
melt the frozen bits,
integrate it all,
emanate a clearer frequency.
Genius
seems to come
at a very steep price.
Typically,
heavy drugs
for a gifted musician
or
egregious infidelity
for a talented athlete.
Why?
The weight of The Pedestal,
the unrealistic expectations,
the Godlike projections?
Or dizzying fame
borne too quick & too young,
allowing no adequate time
for a stronger foundation?
Always a similar story,
a shared humanity,
the need to escape the anxiety,
that knawing
lethal
relentless
core belief
of innate
unworthiness.
Alas, nowhere to run,
the angst always comes back.
Some heal, eventually learn.
Others, they cannot return.
a bit of a contemplative time,
going within,
diving deep –
deeper than ever before,
meeting and making friends
with all the variations
and parts of Me.
Listening
to all their stories
and different perspectives.
Breathing,
long and slow,
taking it all in,
heart breaking and opening –
no judgement,
only Love ❤️,
patience,
and compassion 🙏
At the core,
The Messages
all seem to be same:
Be you, Beloved,
please do not deviate
from your Original Face 🤗
Original artwork by Lili Arnold for CauseBox, 2017
death.
annihilation.
trans-formation.
no going back,
a time to grieve,
to let go
to let it burn 🔥
it – that which was
and can no longer
be
here
now.
a new identity awaits,
must allow the old
to gently fall away.
scared?
yes, petrified
standing
naked
at yet another Threshold.
where am I going?
where is my Songline leading?
skin shedding,
ancestral beliefs rising –
disempowerment,
unworthiness,
scarcity
the possibility of not living
to full potentiality.
that story ends
here
now
with me,
with fervent prayers,
with aligned community,
with Trust and surrender
day by day,
breath by deep breath,
re-leasing,
re-membering.
not enough
then
suddenly
too much!
something missing
what?
a yearning
for sweetness,
release
from discipline,
a tipping point
of sorts,
can no longer run
or hide
sadness
disappointment
fear?
of what?
barely space
between internal stimulus
and its well-trodden response.
a mere taste
then
suddenly
the deluuge,
surrendering to the waterfall.
a deep
familiar
insatiable
hunger
for sweetness
presence
purpose
excitement
reasons
any
to be
here
now.
could not get warm,
could not sleep.
body stiff,
clinging to itself.
mind, racing;
heart, broken. 💔
parricide –
in what state of mind
is such a thing possible?
over and over and over
to rip into the flesh
that bore you,
to hear their cries,
screams,
pleas,
to feel their warm blood,
to witness
Life
leave the forms
from which you came.
chilling.
what we are capable of,
we, humans,
chilling.
the fragility of our psyche,
stunning.
we all walk on delicate ice
internally.
what is considered reality
can –
does –
suddenly
crack!
we fall in
deep,
become frozen.
and there
commit acts
so devastating
they ripple
far and wide. 😢
Lack of attunement is what I am feeling acutely … a familiar feeling … is this the “norm” for a Life of The Unexpected? If it is, how do I navigate? With patience, with altruism, with totality, with anticipation, with simplicity, with authority, with humanity, with freshness, creativity, and the allowance for emergence, with integrity, with diplomacy – with all your innate gifts. In this Moment of agitation, unease, entropy – where do I lean? When you don’t know yet what to do, do nothing, be Still – isn’t that the message this whole year especially from Goddess Sige, who appeared multiple times to and for me? Not so easy, Silence/Stillness – why I consume and seek incessantly and rarely find…What have I found this year? What have I learned? How have I changed ingesting so much beauty-full richness? What has integrated? I don’t know yet … and will wait … be patience until called back into The Eternal Void … What is the invitation here and now? What am I to learn? What are the insights? Where am I deaf and blind? How to emerge from this victim consciousness? What is another story? An epiphany? The Quintessence? What is the practice of equality that bridges weakness to Tenderness? What is the resolve needed to transform exhaustion and the deep desire to just dis-appear to truly hear and live Divine Will? I don’t know yet …Stop seeking and find what? Peace? Community? Attunement? “Right” Livelihood? Home? Meaning? Abundance? Yes, to all please … Do I believe it to be true: all that is sought resides within? What’s inside of me? Who am I? Why am I here, now? I don’t know yet … When will I know for certain? Maybe upon the last breath.
a constant gnawing
deep within
to be fed
and tended to
through The Mouth
that did not know
its mother’s milk
suckled instead
by the middle finger
of its right hand
The Mouth that spoke
not a word
its first few years
now relentlessly demands
food
attention
silence
rarely satiated
riddled with shame
and melancholy
a downward spiral
often begins.
here, now
this time
a long breath
slowly let out
through The Mouth
gentler with the hunger
less intolerance
more patience.
we fall down
and we get up
we fall asleep
and we wake up
back and forth
up and down
the spectrum of consciousness
we go
round and round
the cycle of unwellness
until
sometimes quite suddenly
a shift
from deep Within
Grace
a gentle beckoning
to another
completely different
way
just a few days ago,
a conversation ends,
powerful emotions swelled,
old wounds
ripped
re-opened,
breathing
constricted,
Earth under feet
no longer –
shifted,
cracked,
trembled.
oh no,
not again!
The Protectors
came to The Door –
not safe,
run away,
disengage!
burgeoninc 