depression

Patience

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There was a gentle knock

on The Door.

Wasn’t ready to see,

to engage with,

The Tender Bits

in-side

nervously fidgeting,

worrying,

concerned

about what they were sensing

from the out-side.

Better to ignore

the knock

to scroll

endlessly;

much easier to delve

into other people’s lives

dramas, and belief systems.

Learning, staying informed

the justifications applied

here, now.

Judgement, the bile that arises

when the scrolling

finally

ceases.

Anger,

shame,

guilt,

searing self-recrimination!

Oh no, not this again!

Such utter waste of precious

time and attention!

Why so weak?!

In the midst of spiraling

into the familiar Abyss,

a faint voice

in the Wilderness,

Patience,

calling for restraint,

for kindness,

generosity

and self-compassion.

Breathe, she suggests.

Next time, perhaps,

see if we can just take

a slight look

at The Door.

The Land of Depression

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Quite arid,

this Land of Depression,

lonely too.

Great expanse of sky –

low, dark, heavy.

Threats of rain constantly,

barely see the Sun.

Not a hint of The Moon

nor people.

A bit of a bubble

this Land of Depression.

Claustrophobic,

hard to breathe at times!

Grasping for something  –

any thing –

to emerge from The Abyss,

to remain afloat,

to see with texture and color,

to re-member what matters.

Just a taste will do

in this Moment.

An inkling of Light,

even in the imagination,

a means to navigate

in this Land of Depression

Soft and Slow

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Memories,

cannot access many –

blurry,

scary,

unwelcomed

they are.

Better to keep locked deep –

for now.

The time may come

to visit certain memories,

one by one,

soft and slow,

well resourced,

strongly grounded,

begin to see

the memories differently,

to heal the broken Heart,

melt the frozen bits,

integrate it all,

emanate a clearer frequency.

genius

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Genius

seems to come

at a very steep price.

Typically,

heavy drugs

for a gifted musician

or

egregious infidelity

for a talented athlete.

Why?

The weight of The Pedestal,

the unrealistic expectations,

the Godlike projections?

Or dizzying fame

borne too quick & too young,

allowing no adequate time

for a stronger foundation?

Always a similar story,

a shared humanity,

the need to escape the anxiety,

that knawing

lethal

relentless

core belief

of innate

unworthiness.

Alas, nowhere to run,

the angst always comes back.

Some heal, eventually learn.

Others, they cannot return.

where there is fear

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where there is fear,

there can be no Love.

where there is fear,

there can be no joy.

where there is fear,

there can be no Altruism.

where there is fear,

there can be no

accountability.

where there is fear,

there is no reason –

only vast illusion.

where there is fear,

there is no freedom,

only manipulation.

where there is fear,

there is no authority –

one’s agency rendered

a mere commodity.

where there is fear,

there is no clear vision –

that we are One –

interconnected –

can be preached

but not seen or embodied.

where there is fear,

there lives hate –

disdain of “the other”

and, therefore, the self.

where there is fear,

there can be no satisfaction,

only constriction

no sense of self-actualization –

“life” becomes about survival

at any cost, collaboration

rarely genuinely sought.

where there is fear,

there is Wall,

a massive edifice,

around mind, body, and

Soul –

voluntary imprisonment

in the name of security,

nationalism,

and tribe preservation.

where there is fear,

subjugation and humiliation

do not hide

and distorted masculinity

thrives.

where there is fear,

there is also opportunity

to perceive differently,

to soften,

to widen,

to cultivate a faith

that surpasses

human understanding.

The Heart ❤️ once wildly lost

can again be found 🙏

sacred work

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what is the Sacred Work

I am to do

being

fully

here

now –

tired

grief-strickened

stunned

a tad numbed?

what can I offer

from “my” heArt

to “yours”?

the breath?

mere air?

yes, deep breathing

inhaling,

smelling

like the way of a baby,

taking It all

in and down

to the belly

to the Fire 🔥

hold It there

gently witness

trans-formation.

At the appointed time,

exhale

re-lease

birth

slowly

intentionally

Freshness

something new

something

needed

urgently

now!

This is what

I am

to do.

hunger

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a constant gnawing

deep within

to be fed

and tended to

through The Mouth

that did not know

its mother’s milk

suckled instead

by the middle finger

of its right hand

The Mouth that spoke

not a word

its first few years

now relentlessly demands

food

attention

silence

rarely satiated

riddled with shame

and melancholy

a downward spiral

often begins.

here, now

this time

a long breath

slowly let out

through The Mouth

gentler with the hunger

less intolerance

more patience.

The Wall

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I hit The Wall
today;
ran right into it –
mind, body and Spirit – splat!
Hit it so hard,
the tears came
tumbling down,
suddenly,
out of seemingly nowhere.
A deluge –
in public no less!
“What is this?” I cried,
trying desperately
to cover and hide.
A rare occurrence
for me-
losing control,
forced to surrender,
pause,
look,
pivot
and reconsider
choices made,
examine
subconscious motivations,
and
the allowance
of subtle intimidation.