Eleven Years

On the sixth day in the month of September of the year 2005:

A cell phone rings.

“It is your father,”

says the somber mother

to the busy daughter.

“He has been taken

to hospital…a stroke.”


Eleven years ago,

my Pop transitioned;

he left body

and went to Heaven.

One is never prepared for death-

especially that of a parent.

You know it will come eventually,

makes sense intellectually;

a matter to run from emotionally.

The day before he was to die,

he kept calling my cell line.

Over and over, he tried.

too tired and busy was I.

“I’ll call him tomorrow,”

I thought, fully justified;

not knowing he would not then

be alive.

Did Pop sense

his time had come?

Is there something he needed to tell

his eldest one?

What did I miss in

missing his call?

Did he go


I cared not at all?

Along with grief,

from guilt I found little relief.

Over and over,

in my mind,

I wrestled with my use of time.

Questioned my responsibilities:

Were they aligned with my priorities?

Eleven years later,


a tad wiser,

I can begin

to myself forgive.

We do our best

in the moments we live.

Perfection, not the final goal.

Missteps, falls –

a part of it all.

Lessons learned

in his life and death-

Thank you Father!

No more regrets.




judgement Monkey

jumping around

all upside my head



just plain carrying on.

“please go back to bed;

leave me the hell alone!”

i said.

you ignored me-

as usual-


determined to take over my mind;

to, again,

turn me against me,

cruel and unkind.

won’t let you, Monkey-

no, not this time!

for I am determined to see

to see you.

to see Truth.

won’t let you drive me

back to that Abyss.

no, this time Monkey,

you will cease to exist!

i am determined to see


to be free of Monkey,

believe in me steeped in He.

to go toward the Light,

know all’s alright,

that this too shall pass,

for nothing ever lasts.

The life of a Cosmopolitan Sardine

I feel trapped

like a caged rat

no room to read

let alone breathe

little in the way of personal space

with strangers, nearly face-to-face

signal problems and delays

prolong the agony and the pain

very few smiles

many more scowls

odors jarringly unfamiliar

compete with daring young dancers

to the senses, viciously assault

without so much a second thought

hey, this is New York

ain’t nobody give a f***!

suck it up, yo’!

don’t you know

this is the price paid

the sacrifice made

for the privilege

of residing

in this space-

beyond congested, yes,

but also

the first, the Greatest

City on Earth!

you make it here

Sinatra swears

you make it anywhere

just be aware

that it’ll cost ya

claustrophobe ya

relentlessly contain ya

hot or cold

young or old

this is how

the N to the Y to the C


prayer: nearer to Thee


I beseech you (yet again)

tell me

guide me

loudly and very clearly (please)

As to what I am

to do

to be

so that I may proceed

newly focused and accordingly.

At times, My Lord,

I grow so weary,

burdened with existential angst

and near constant worry,

not feeling remotely worthy.





profoundly empty.

From here,

nowhere to go nor to be,

only to draw

ever nearer and nearer to


The Vicissitude of Life

All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.” – Ellen Glasgow

I made a change not to long ago. Took a leap of great Faith to make a move. This was the intention, a top resolution for 2014: move forward, change for the sole sake of growth.

For about one month, it felt as if the goal was achieved, the mission accomplished. I was professionally energized as I had not been in a very long time – fully engaged, hopeful about the creative possibilities for growth and forward movement – the most important motivators in my life. My Heart felt expansive and soft, fully open. Maybe – for the first time in my professional career – I found home, a home I had been searching for likely from the Moment I opened my eyes to this World from the warmth and comfort of the Womb.I remember feeling such a sense of deep peace, happiness, hopefulness, and joy.Thinking back now, most grateful I am to have been conscious enough to savor every beautiful Moment of those rich and delicious feelings – those Moments of pure Light. Perhaps, on some level, I knew that the Pendulum of Life would – as it always does – swing to the other direction, the dark.

And it did.

In the course of one conversation, one Moment, every thing changed! And the perceived hits just kept coming.

All change is not growth…all movement is not forward.”

Now, I am left with only questions:

Was I in denial (ignorance as bliss)?

I thought I did my homework and due diligence. Yet, were there signs I  missed along the way, things I could not allow myself to fully see, questions I feared asking of them and of me?

Where do I go from here?

How to not merely hold on, but thrive in this seemingly bleak and barren landscape?

How do I navigate life as it is in this Moment in a way that does not lead me to the exact same and tired place – yet again? What do I do different, see, hearbe and think different?

How do I create and attract change that is real growth and movement that is indeed forward?

How do I manifest what are truly my intentions in life?

What inside of me is keeping me from self actualizing, from flying higher and fully living my Bliss?

What is going on beneath my surface, in that subconscious realm that is me stymieing me? For it is as the great Carl Jung noted: “When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside as fate.”

What are the lessons in this Moment of perceived darkness? The lessons I must learn (and re-learn) to have that Pendulum of Life swing the other way again, the way to the Light, the Light that will sustain and feed me when its partner, the dark, swings back?