dear b.,

first and foremost, I love You.

Your love for Me, in turn, I hold in great and eternal gratitude.

Our relationship has grown beyond that of friends…

no, more like Kindred Souls to this particular end.

hence why the current page in our long and storied sojourn,

feels decidedly like a deep and painful burn.

we’ve always rooted for the other,

always encouraged one another to dream bigger and fly ever higher.

You, perhaps better than any other, know of My wanderlust and constant restlessness.

You have been privy to how My Spirit lifts, is renewed and healed by following My bliss.

So, why now this time, after an extraordinary adventure granted unto Me,

You, seething with anger born of internal frustration and pain, lash out so emotionally violently?

first and foremost, I love You; and from love, great compassion and recognition flows.

I see into You, Beloved B.

I can see the great challenge of living within a body of such fragility,

a body, once so strong (as mine, you may perceive), one designed to walk, to travel, to live independently.

with an extraordinary mind, Spirit and imagination like Yours, you were not meant for bed confinement, relegated to one small room in deafening silence.

we, the “able-bodied” go out and play; you have no choice but to stay.

I see into You, Beloved B.

what would you have me do and say when it is the benevolent Universe that wills all this way?

shall I, in fear of losing you, keep My joy from You, hide, shrink before You, so that You do not continue to resent and dismiss “me” in the depths of your pain?

is that the way forward for us? no, just prideful and inane.

We are better than that, both know better, and have the capacity to do and to be better.

The only question: together, will we?

I see You and it takes Two.

 

 

 

 

 

genius: part 1

“When nature has work to be done, she creates a genius to do it.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

The presumption being then that when “the work” has been done to satisfaction, Nature calls genius back home: “Your work down here is complete; you’ve fulfilled your purpose. On to the next.”

In my mind and heart, this is what transpired in the case of our dearly beloved and departed Prince. Nature so stunningly and (in the moment) inexplicably ceasing him back to Her bosom, shook something deep inside of me that continues to tremble and uncomfortably shift.

I’m feeling unmoored, disoriented – not quite certain why. What exactly is going on within? As I cannot articulate it with any real coherence – just a thick mixture of sadness, dread, fear, confusion – I desperately seek both answers and comfort by delving ever deeper into The Artist’s life and music. It’s bordering frighteningly on the obsessive, this I know! Yet, I cannot turn away – it is an internal draw beyond my conscious control at the Moment. Truly I tell you, resistance is futile. So, I reluctantly relent – too tired and enthralled to do otherwise.

In an interview, Prince astutely observed that any interest in him beyond his music speaks to a lacking/a need in another – nothing to do with him. He is absolutely correct; to that I can wholeheartedly attest.

My sojourn into the Purple Rain continues to yield much and rich fruit. Presently, I am ruminating on the concept of “genius” – a word that is synonymous with Prince. Very few would dare argue otherwise – nor could do so convincingly.

Yes, Prince was a genius; he embodied it in a way that is breathtaking and astonishes, this he knew from early on until the end/beginning (how could he not?) Nature wanted to fill its world with music and showmanship not since seen or experienced and – poof – Prince Rogers Nelson was created for such a time as that. It took only 57 years for Nature’s work to be done through that relatively small human vessel- exemplifying just how bright and blindingly brilliant Prince’s Light shined, how singularly focused he was on his work, mission, purpose.

As my insides churn with envy and profound inadequacy (comparing and despairing), a little voice, whimpering and seeking some solace, whispers: “Is genius/an entity, a creation such as a Prince the exception or the rule?” This voice is challenging me to step back a little from the haze and explore further: Is genius exceptional, elitist, reserved just for some, a very select few or is it a tad more generous and democratic in its form(s)? Hope for me comes with a belief in the latter. Perhaps, this explains the inexplicable pull I’ve been feeling into the Purple Rain – the message I desperately need to hear repeatedly, grasp, own, and, ultimately, share – the work/message that genius in the form formerly known as Prince was really placed on this Earth to do/deliver.

I am reminded of these words uttered by genius currently in the form know as Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world …We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Heartfelt many thanks for the coming liberation my dearly beloved Prince!

 

 

a marriage: scene one

 

{Camera outside, facing West.}

It is dusk.

There is lightening.

The only sounds: rapid rain drops forceful against glass, an angry wind, and rip roaring thunder – startling in its violence and depth.

From the outside looking in on a wall of windows dripping wet with rain, a reflection of The Husband at the foot of a vast bed. He is standing, tall and erect, his legs slightly apart.

His face, chiseled and intense. His head, completely bald, glistens. He is staring, blankly, pass himself at the lights, skyscrapers and rain on the outside.

{Camera, inside, panning The Husband from head on up.}

In the room, only a faint light to his right.

On his feet, tan burnished leather cap-toe shoes. On his body, a three piece impeccably tailored striped wool black suit. Hands in his pockets forcing his jacket open, reveals a vest framing a narrow waist; a navy blue shirt is fitted perfectly to his broad chest and wide shoulders; a thick matching tie crafted in silk is expertly knotted around his neck, sitting just below a prominent Adam’s Apple. He wears initialed gold cuff links, an anniversary present from The Wife.

The camera zooms in, slowly, onto his face: serious and scowling, lips, full and jaw, tense. Nose, flaring. Eyes, tender, brown and sad. He sighs very deeply and purposefully. He then exhales, quickly and suddenly, as his face falls into his chest, eyes slamming shut. His hands, broad, brown and beautiful, slip out of his pockets and reach up to cradle his face. His wedding band of gold and diamonds shimmers in the dark.

“How did I get here?” he sobs. “How did we get here?”

A gentle knock on a door is heard.

“It’s me,” she whispers, her voice filled with joy and anticipation.

the Beauty you Love

Let the beauty you love be what you do…” 

Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love…”

These two quotes count among the many beautiful words of great wisdom that I love from Rumi. As is always the case when I spend time engulfed in Rumi, everything stops and I am still at last. From this exquisite place, I can go deep into whom and what I really am. I can see clearly. I can breathe again. I can remember all that I find beautiful in our world – that which deeply resonates in me, draws me in, calls to me, sings to me, completely disarms me, beckons me, enchants me, embraces me, calms me, frees me, feeds me, lifts me, loves me.

Plato observed that “beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.”

Pondering the beauty that my eyes behold, I come to see that which I find beautiful is what I really love; that which I truly and effortlessly love is what I find beautiful.  It does not seem possible to not love that which one finds beautiful or to love that which one does not find beautiful. Beauty and love are inextricable – linked down to our very Soul.

At the level of the Soul, reason has no place. Hence, explaining “…the strange pull of what you really love…” Within your Soul, there is only surrender and trust to the true Self. Here, no questions are allowed or asked; there are no doubts, only pure and unadulterated Truth. The Soul is where who you really are resides – straight no chaser, no filters, no mask, no shame, and no fear. In this quiet, fertile and vulnerable space, beauty and the love it elicits are all that matter and you are invited to lean in and be informed by the beauty you love. 

I shiver with joy at the thought of what our world could be if we all had the courage to heed the Soul’s call, longing and invitation to let the beauty we really love (that which draws and pulls us) be what we do, what we offer to each other. So says Rumi: “There are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the earth.”

Let It begin within Me

My entire life, words – be they in a book, a poem, sung or prayed – have always fed, sustained, calmed and emboldened me. And so, given the heartbreaking events of the last week, I turn to words to inform and guide.

Yesterday, I heard a Wise One share with a Student that if one’s intention is to bring balance to the world, one must be balanced in oneself. This is another way to say that one cannot offer what one does not possess or as within so without. Hearing those words felt like an answer to a prayer I was not consciously aware I had made. The floodgates opened and more words came, mostly in song, that reminded me that we will only ever really overcome someday by paying careful attention to what resides deep in our own hearts, souls and minds – as we are indeed One and the very thin line between “good” and “evil” cuts through all our hearts.

I could hear Michael Jackson singing this perspective so poignantly:

If you want to make the world a better place, You have to look at Yourself and make that change.

To reinforce this point, the powerful Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi came clearly to my mind and heart:

Lord, make Me an instrument of your peace…Where there is hatred, let Me sow love…Where there is darkness, let Me sow Light…

Even my inner child chimed in, sing and imploring:

This little Light of Mine…let It shine….let it shine…let it shine…

Eventually, all quiet on my Soul’s Front:

Ego: I get it!

My Soul: Do you really? Just in case…

And then it came, The Big One: the words to a most beloved song; one I have sung and hummed to myself since I’m a child and more than any other in my life; a song that has consistently brought me from the brink of madness borne of sadness by providing me with the invaluable gifts of light, hope, peace, clarity and profound comfort. The song:

Let there be peace on Earth  

According to Wikipedia, this beautiful song was written in 1955 by Jill Jackson Miller and Sy Miller. Interestingly given recent events, the story goes, in that same year “…a group of 180 teenagers of all races and religions, meeting at a workshop high in the California mountains, locked arms, formed a circle and sang…”Let there be peace on earth”…to help create a climate for world peace and understanding.”

2015, 60 years later, here we are…Let there be peace on Earth  

I’ll close with one of my many renditions of this masterpiece. When one cherishes a song, when it becomes part of your DNA/your signature, organically you tinker with it making it truly your very own (like a loved recipe). This version of Let there be peace on Earth does not stray too much from the extraordinarily moving original:

Let there be peace on Earth
and let it begin within me.

Let there be peace on Earth,
the peace that was meant to be.

With God as our Father,
related all are we (we are One).
Let us live with each other
in peace and harmony.

Let peace begin within me.
Let this be the moment now (right now!).
With ev’ry breath I take
let this be my solemn vow:
To take each moment
and be in each moment
in peace internally.
Let there be peace on earth
and let it begin within me.

L.I.F.E: Series One

The L is for Love

“How deep is your love?
I really mean to learn
‘Cause we’re living in a world of fools
Breaking us down when they all should let us be
We belong to you and me.”  the Bee Gees

I cannot hear these beautiful lyrics without dissolving into a puddle of tears, they so deeply resonate for me -to this day. Really, what is Life without deep LOVE? Love unites -we belong to you and me. Love cushions and soothes ‘cause we’re living in a world of fools.  Love is a balm to weary Souls that are repeatedly broken down and not let be. Love is a beacon of bright light when one is lost in the Abyss. Love is inside and all around us. Sometimes it is palpable and obvious, other times it is frustratingly elusive, mysterious and ineffable. Love prefers that you not chase it, “Let me come to you,” it whispers. “I promise I’ll be worth the wait.”

The I is for Integrity

“To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” William Shakespeare, Hamlet

With each passing year of life, it becomes more and more clear that integrity is crucial to a well lived and deeply satisfying life. It gets more challenging to bear The Mask as one matures. You simply do not possess the wherewithal and patience to carry the weight of conformity, pretending to be and do that which you innately are not. There is a part of us (the inner child, the soft still voice inside) that yearns to be true, to be free, to be consistently you in all circumstances and with all people. There is indeed this indomitable push to just be You – no matter the cost. Yes, be assured, cultivating integrity will cost you in effort, time, money, people, etc. Still, it is an investment that will pay unparalleled dividends to many and do so indefinitely.

F is for Faith

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

These words are my favorite in the Bible, the words I come back to repeatedly when I desperately need to access my Faith. I often wonder how Life is navigated without faith in something or someone. So much transpires every day that defies logic and renders us in numb disbelief (think 9/11, cops beating on a man while he cries out “I can’t breathe!”, tsunamis, war, etc). How does one remain human, soft and open when one is relentlessly bombarded with distressing news? Faith. Faith (in all its various permutations) buoys and grounds. It is the root, the start of everything else that is meaningful in life.

E is for Enjoy

“Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.” Mother Teresa

Reading these poignant words by Mother Teresa (wisdom made flesh), I recall a conversation I had with a person of great influence in my life just a few days before graduating from college. “I am not happy,” I shared, nervous and near tears. ‘Life is not about happiness,” was the curt response I received. Ah, but it is I have since learned. Life is meant to be Enjoyed. Joy is not frivolous nor is its pursuit a sin. Joy is a powerful magnet, a net of love that draws us ever closer to our essence and to each other. There are few more delicious experiences in life than to wholeheartedly surrender to joy. Think about holding a baby or a puppy, a child’s unbridled laughter, eating warm bread or creamy ice cream, strolling a deserted beach on a beautiful summer day, watching the sun rise and fall, a full moon on a lake – all joyful and to be fully enjoyed.

A Vignette from a Bar, Act One: Harlem, USA

Regularly venturing outside my zone of comfort and familiarity is a stated and lived goal in my life – one I make sure to adhere to every day. It is with this intention in mind that I allowed myself to partake in the bar scene after enjoying a fine meal at a beautifully intimate restaurant in Harlem.

After dinner, we headed upstairs to the packed and happening bar with its sexy bartenders and pulsating house music that took me way back to tha days! My friends and I scanned the room in search of suitable chocolate honeys. My eyes fall upon a particular honey – one with the physical characteristics I instantly responded to on a very visceral (and yes, I admit, most basic) level. “Let’s walk over to him,” a friend suggests. A woman walking over to a man? Not my usual or preferred style. But, hey, this was about veering a little away from my pattern, doing what is different and uncomfortable. So be it…

We walked over to the honey. Turns out he is celebrating a friend’s birthday. Honey shows no interest in me, showering attention on my friend. All good because, up close and in the light, honey was less appetizing to me – that base chakra of mine cooled down significantly and quickly!

With honey focused on my friend, his boy (the one celebrating a birthday) took it upon himself to entertain. He shared that he is now 55 years old.

“And how old are you?” he asked.

“Forty-six,” I responded.

“No?!” he gasped, genuinely stunned, “you can’t be!”

O—-kay, what the hell is this about, I thought to myself, knowing instinctively that this scene was only going downward from this point – and it did, fast!

In an attempt to keep matters light while I plot an exit plan, I said in jest “How do I know that you are really 55 years old?”

I expected (hoped) he’d flash a driver’s license or provide a response that would serve as fodder for a bit of fun repartee. No such luck.

“If you bend over,” he whispered in my ear, his fingers stroking the base of my spine, “I will prove it to you!”

Oh yes, he did go there. I kid you not!

Another friend, thoroughly disgusted, immediately walked away. I, with prosecco splashing about in my head, calmly smiled, recalling the lyrics to a favored song by Lauryn Hill: “…forgive them Father for they know not what they do…”

Eventually, I politely excused myself. I had risked and played outside my lines. The expectation of reward in the form of conscious coupling (yes, it can happen at a bar) was not met.

Still, the longer I live, the more I appreciate the old saying that it is not about the destination so much as it is about the journey; a reminder to me to not allow the expectation to dictate my motivation – to do and to be simply to do and to be. In Buddhism, as I interpret it, this is about the practice of non-attachment.

As I write, I recall these powerful words from the Bhagavad Gita that continue to serve me on this often challenging life journey:

“You have the right to your actions but never to your actions’ fruits. Act for the action’s sake. And do not be attached to inaction. Self-possessed, resolute, act without any thoughts of results, open to success or failure.”

These words take me to another powerful work, the Tao Te Ching, which humbly offers the following: “Do your work, then step back. The only Path to serenity.”

I did my work, and now I step back. One day, soon, I will choose to do the work (play at a fabulous bar) yet again. Regardless of the results, I will step back and then compose Act Two. And so it goes….

A Life Well-Lived: Big, Fat & Juicy!

I watch O, J. Lo and the Queen Bee

My heart swells with envy and boundless possibility

I yearn for uniquely Me bits of what they manifest:

Abundance, self-actualization, adventure, creativity

Big, fat, juicy lives – nothing less

Lives lived relatively

Unconventionally

Authentically

Beyond fully

They – and other Souls of their ilk – will depart

With nary their songs left in the Heart

No what if, little – if any – regrets

Just a deep sense of giving life their very Best

Leaping to fly

No hide

Daring greatly

Loving bravely

Following bliss

That is a Life well-lived.

Are you Ready for Love?

Exactly when

 And how

Does One know

For certain

One is ready

For Love?

I’m talking real love

Mature, no Ordinary Love

Respect-full Love

Healing Love

Destined and hallowed Love.

Exactly when

And how

Does one feel ready

To leap, to dive

In to

The Unknown

Sea of Love

To become

Drunk in Love

Crazy in Love

Utterly and completely

Possessed by Love?

I think

It is

When One can say

With deep honesty:

“I love Me.”

“I know Me.”

“I trust Me (steeped in Him).”

Therefore,

“I am ready to

Share all of Me

Wholeheartedly and Fearlessly.”

The Soul then

Whispers

Gently, firmly, unequivocally:

“You are ready!

Now jump – with expectancy!

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